A Shared Experience of Sexual Abuse in Childhood
Growing up, every day I thought of the nasty things that had happened to me when I was a child. I was five years old the first time I was sexually assaulted by a friend of the family. He touched me, and forced me to touch him. These activities went on for about three months without my mother's knowledge.
When I was nine, I was assaulted again. My mother, brother and I were swimming in a hotel pool. One of my mother's friends tried to teach me how to swim. During my "lessons," he would touch my vagina. I thought my mother had seen what he did, so I told her what happened. She was not sympathetic, instead blaming me for the occurrence.
A few years later, when I was twelve, I moved in with my grandparents. By then, however, I was unable to trust people. I was always worried that my grandfather was going to harm me because of my past experiences with men. My skepticism resulted in me moving out on my own at the age of sixteen. Moving out of my grandparents' home was a big mistake. It was so hard to live, I was certain that I was going to die. I had so much anger inside me that I contemplated suicide. I didn't know if I should be mad at my mother for not knowing how to handle me being abused, or if I should be mad at myself for not telling another adult. The anger was eating me up inside. All of my relationships were tainted by an inability to trust people, even those who truly cared about me.
Now, when I look back, I see things much differently. I know that what happened with those men wasn't my fault. My mother should have protected me, but she was young and did not know what to do. Today, I am twenty-five, happily married, and a mother to three wonderful children. I am so thankful that I know how to protect my children from sexual assault, and that they are being raised without such abuses in their lives. They are growing up in a loving environment.
To this day I sometimes worry about leaving my husband alone with our children. I know what signs to look for, though, and am learning more and more how important it is to trust others. I overcame the predators, but I will never overcome the fear of more people trying to take advantage of me.
I have forgiven, but I will never forget. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault. To anyone out there who has had sexual abuse in his or her life, I encourage you to be strong and brave. Things have a way of working themselves out. If you allow yourself to let go of the anger, life can be better than you have ever imagined.