Advice for Those Ready to Leave the Closet
For gay men and lesbians, coming out to parents or guardians can seem like a terrifying event, filled with doubt and trepidation. However, it can also provide an opportunity for a new bond to form between loved ones, and give a person the ability to express himself or herself without fear. While the following advice for LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer/questioning) individuals may not ensure a completely positive and successful "coming out," it will hopefully serve as a useful reference guide for those of any age who want to avoid unnecessary difficulties in their journey out of the closet.
1. Always have a back up plan
For many people, coming out can be an immensely rewarding experience, allowing members of families to better know and understand one another. For some, however, coming out may not always be an entirely pleasant process. When people are reliant on the individual(s) to whom they are coming out for financial aid or shelter, it may be best to make sure that they can stay with a friend or family member, at least on a temporary basis, in case they encounter a negative reaction. It is impossible to predict how others will react, and it is best to prepare for a worst-case scenario, just in case.
2. If you come out to friends, be prepared for the entire school (and parents, neighbors, etc.) to know
While it might be nice to imagine that you could tell friends that you identify as LGBTQ without anyone else learning such private information, this may not be realistic. For whatever reason, the sexual orientation of classmates, co-workers or acquaintances is a frequently discussed topic of conversation. Therefore, even after coming out to only a few people, you should not be entirely surprised when many others find out. In addition, because this information could potentially get back to parents or family members, it may be best to tell them relatively soon after coming out to peers.
3. Don't expect it to be "short and sweet"
After coming out, it is only natural that a person might want to run and hide for a while, though you should not expect to be able to do so, and it is not recommended that you hide. Friends and family members are likely to have a wide variety of questions, including, but not limited, to:
When did you start feeling this way?
Have you always felt this way?
How certain are you?
Why didn't you come out sooner?
Have you told any one else?
While you might feel anxious and uncomfortable by such probing questions, you should keep in mind that these questions are probably not being asked with the intent to humiliate or upset, but instead to provide a better understanding of the situation. Being rude or abrupt during this stage can have a profoundly negative effect on the coming out process, therefore it is best to save your coming out until there is ample time for a thoughtful discussion.
4. Timing is everything
When people come out is almost as important in determining the success of their coming out as what they have to say. It is best to avoid coming out during stressful times, such as holidays, before a big test, or when either the person who is coming out or the other people are busy with work. People tend to be more curt and less receptive when preoccupied; therefore when coming out, it is best to avoid such complications, in favor of more optimal conditions.
5. Walk a mile in their shoes
When preparing to come out, one of the most important things to do is to imagine how other people will react – what sorts of things will they be thinking about, and how will they feel? A common reaction is not anger or frustration, but sadness. Why might that be? Well, here are a few of the concerns that they might have:
- The LGBTQ individual will be 'bashed,' or picked on or hurt, because of his or her sexual orientation
- Homosexual desires are 'sinful,' and prevent people from having a pleasant afterlife
- A queer individual will not be able to raise children without encountering discrimination
- The person who is coming out has been living a "secret life"
Regardless of how rational these issues may actually be, the person coming out should not feel offended, and it is best to address these issues honestly and reassuringly.
6. What to Say? How to act?
While there are no magic words that people can use while coming out to address every issue or concern that may arise, the way that they conduct themselves can be just as important as what they have to say. They should be not come across as aggressive, but instead be positive and respectful. Remember that a persons coming out is not only an intensely emotional and life-changing experience for the queer individual, but it has a profound effect on the people to whom they are coming out as well. Even if things do not go well at first, those coming out should not lose courage or strength: They should remember that in most cases it is better to be true to themselves than to hide who they really are.
7. Additional Support
Many high school and college campuses provide excellent support groups for LGBTQ individuals, and by browsing the websites of local schools, one may find information regarding their meeting times and locations. PFLAG, as well as various other organizations, can provide further help and support for those who are preparing to come out, and their friends and family members as well.
8. Don't give up
Coming out can seem quite scary, but most people are extremely happy and feel empowered once they have gone through with it. We wish you the best of luck in stepping out of the closet!
Added 12/01/2007