Attachment
Attachment, defined as a connection or feeling of being emotionally close to someone, is a major component of love (Miracle, Miracle, Baumeister, 2003). People have a built in tendency to be attached to others emotionally from infancy. While, one can be attached to someone or something and not be in love with the object of attachment, love usually cannot exist with out attachment. The word attachment brings about fear in some individuals because it sounds like being dependent on and needing another person. But there are healthy kinds of attachment that are necessary in a loving relationship. Healthy attachments can provide a sense of safety, and reduce anxiety or stress.
Couples in different categories also differ in the way they attain intimacy and experience love. Researchers have identified three attachment styles, and studied how couples in these categories react to conflicts. The three categories include: secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant. Attachment styles influence the way people trust their partners for support and their own willingness to offer support.
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Securely attached couples are highest in self-esteem and don't fear closeness. They enjoy feelings of love and trust their partner's display of love. They are usually willing to change their own behaviors and overlook their partner's faults (Smith & Mackie, 2000). People in this category of attachment feel comfortable depending on others and having others depend on them. One major benefit of a securely attached relationship is that couples deal with conflicts constructively (Smith & Mackie, 2000). They tend to see conflict as an opportunity to communicate and share their feelings. Resolving a conflict can strengthen their confidence in their partner and in the relationship. They are the most likely to feel happiness in this positive and trusting style of love. This sort of attachment is very healthy in a relationship and brings the couple closer together. On the other hand, other kinds of attachment can be unhealthy and even bring an end to the relationship. (Simpson, & Rholes, 1998)
Individuals in the avoidant category are fearful of emotional dependency and this limits their ability to develop intimate relationships (Simpson & Rholes, 1998). While in times of conflict, avoidant people don't show distress or anger during interaction, they are more prone to turn to alcohol or drug abuse. After a conflict, they are more likely to see their relationship as less close. Further, avoidant individuals don't look for help or support from their partner. In fact, they may alienate helpers due to their possessive, dependent and controlling ways (Simpson & Rholes, 1998). This sort of attachment can be dangerous to the relationship. In any relationship, conflicts do arise, hence learning to resolve conflict and learning from the experience is essential to the survival of the relationship.
Anxious-ambivalent attachment usually leads to jealous forms of love. People in this category tend to have low levels of trust and interdependence, and they are usually less satisfied with their relationship than are securely attached lovers. Because they feel an excessive desire to merge with their partner, they tend to be "clingy, suspicious, dependent, jealous, controlling and even at times domineering" (Simpson & Rholes, 1998: 168). They tend to worry excessively that their partner doesn't love them anymore and is going to leave them; therefore, they feel under appreciated, and see others as undependable. Any conflict with their partner can make them feel more anxious and stressful. Due to their fears of loss and abandonment, discussing relationship problems can be difficult. Conflict usually brings about doubts and negativity about the relationship or the partner. Furthermore, after a fight they see the relationship as having less love and commitment. In coping with such feelings, they try to prepare themselves for the loss of the relationship by derogating their partner. This is a type of attachment that can drive people away from each other and potentially put an end to the relationship.
In order to create a healthier attachment in your relationship, you can improve your communication about love and trust and develop your problem solving skills. Couples need to talk more openly with one another and listen to their partner. Furthermore, all couple will come face to face with conflict. Try to use conflicts as a means of getting closer to each other by resolving problems and learning more about each other by thoughtful and loving communication. Listen carefully to your partner. Gently suggest possible solutions to your problems. Seriously consider the solutions your partner suggests. See if you two can find compromises that make both of you happy. Some therapists suggest uncovering feelings, beliefs and expectancies that couples have toward each other. Explore these expectations and be sure that you and your partner are both aware of them. Remember that attachment is a necessary component of a relationship, and try to work on having a healthy and secure attachment in order to make your love experience more satisfactory.
References:
Miracle, T.S, Miracle, A.W, & Baumeister, R.F. Human Sexuality. Upper Saddle River, NJ. 2003).
Simpson, J.A. & Rholes, W.S. Attachment Theory and Close Relationships. The Guilford Press, NY. 1998.
Smith, E.R, & Mackie, D.M. Social Psychology. Courier, IN, 2000.