Desirable Behavior Traits People Value when Looking for a New Partner

There is an age-old question about what makes people attractive or attracted to one another. Sadly, many people only answer this with mention of physical attractiveness. This is not too crazy of an idea when one considers how much attention the media gives to this topic—especially in America. Magazine covers, headlines and reality shows inundate us with the common theme that beautiful is best. However, upon thoroughly reviewing the scientific literature about attraction, it is clear that physical beauty is not the only thing that is important!

Desirable behavior traits emerge as very important, and rightfully so since a person's personality and behavior carry considerable weight, and can be more important than physical attractiveness. Sure, a pretty woman or handsome man can draw you in, but in the long run their appearance is not all that matters. In terms of deep, loving and genuinely fulfilling relationships, consider the following qualities:

1. Humor

"Where do smart hot dogs end up? �On honor rolls!" Little jokes can produce big smiles and laughs, which are essential in healthy relationships. The importance of being able to be serious and deep when it comes to dealing with difficulties goes without saying, but also being able to laugh and be playful is beneficial. Smiling makes people feel less tense, more at ease, and may even boost confidence. You don't have to be a stand up comedian to woo others, but showing a little humor or some appreciation for it is characteristic of a lighthearted and more approachable person.

2. Fidelity and Commitment

Displaying signs of these two qualities is a good way to attract a partner, and they are two good qualities to consider when assessing a potential partner. Depending on what you are looking for and/or what you value, fidelity and commitment can be a make-it-or-break-it point. Knowing that you and a partner are seeing each other exclusively is a big step in the progression of a relationship. This aspect is extremely important because relationships involve some sacrifices and costs. If individuals are going to contribute by making such sacrifices, they want to know that they are not wasting time and/or effort—and a faithful partner can ensure that this is so.

3. Intelligence

Brains count! When asked, many people indicate that intelligence is valuable in seeking a potential partner. This doesn't mean that you have to be a rocket scientist, but it does mean that intellectual conversations and discussions are important to many people. Just as we love to joke and laugh, we also love to sit and discuss the deeper facets of life. Thus intellect is bound to be paramount in some relationships. Consider also that "intelligence" can mean very different things to different people. For example, what a woman may believe to be her commonplace skill of knowing how to read a map may come off as very impressive to a man who does not possess this same skill. So intelligence doesn't have to mean SAT scores per se, but just a heightened level of smarts in one or more areas of life.

4. Similarity

"Birds of a feather flock together!" In seeking a new partner, it is necessary to do a little self-reflection as well. Knowing about your own preferences, dislikes, opinions, and attitudes can help you include or eliminate potential partners based on their similarity to or difference from yourself. The theoretical ideal of "opposites attract" works well for magnets, but not as much for people. In order for two individuals to get along harmoniously, there must be some connection and similarity between them. Identical partners are not the ideal either, since the little quirks between individuals are often what give relationships their characteristic flavor.

5. Altruism

Be a giver. Sometimes, showing that you care about someone by putting them before yourself is the most effective way of showing just how much they mean to you. It is easy to get altruism confused with some other types of behaviors—such as gift giving—which don't always have the same effect. Altruism stems from a genuine desire to want to see others better off than yourself, and is sometimes difficult to find in its purest form. Seeking partners based on this trait is a good way to get an idea of what their values might be. Selfishness in the world of love and relationships will not go very far, since the world of relationships is necessarily based on interactions between cooperating—and hopefully selfless—individuals.

6. Warmth, Kindness, Expressiveness, and Openness

All of these traits have been identified by people participating in studies that ask individuals what they look for in an ideal partner. In fact, it is not really some huge surprise, since they are things that we often look for in others in general, no matter if they are a potential partner or not. In friendships, familial and business relationships, these positive traits are the key to successful bonds. How many times have we heard someone lovingly describe their partner as "unkind"? Developing warmth and friendliness can take us a long way in terms of attraction.

7. Chastity and Virtuousness

In some cultures, virtuousness is valued highly, and it is wise to remember that culture can play a big role in what is considered attractive. Norms about homosexuality, appearance, and manners (just to name a few) can differ a lot from society to society, so it is important to consider your own culture when thinking about attraction. As an example, a study of Iranian youth revealed that the most important traits that people sought in a potential mate were "chastity and virtuousness," which is not exactly the first thing someone from the West would consider. In this way, you can see that the values in different parts of the world can sometimes shape the standards for attraction. It is often difficult to step outside of your culture and try to assess it objectively, but doing so can make you question some of the values about love and attraction that your culture has given you.

8. ?

Is it possible to know? Many studies have also shown that a large percent of people do not know exactly what they want in a potential partner. It has also been found that sometimes people indicate one particular trait or quality for an ideal mate, but then they select and fall in love with individuals who do not have this particular quality. This shows that it is important to make a distinction between our ideals and realities, and also realize that not knowing what we want is not the end of the world. There is a solution for this dilemma, and it is called meeting, going out with new people, then dating—which allows you to interact and practice your social skills. It allows you to see who you mesh well with and who you don't. You might not find the perfect person right away, but you will most likely learn a lot about what you don't want or like—which is important also.

So the next time you are standing in line at the grocery store and some weight-loss, muscle-gain or beautifying-therapy suggests that it will make you irresistible to potential partners, remember that physical appearance isn't everything�it isn't even half of what's important! Desirable behavior traits are paramount, and fortunately unlike physical beauty, these traits can be learned, cultivated and refined with a little consideration and dedication.

References:

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Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2008). Sex differences in mate preferences revisited: Do people know what they initially: desire in a romantic partner? Journal of personality and social psychology, 94(2), 245-264. Retrieved February 11, 2008, from PsycINFO database.
Farrelly, D., Lazarus, J., & Roberts, G. (2007). Altruists attract. Evolutionary Psychology, 5, 313-329. Retrieved February 10,: 2008, from PsycINFO database.
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Rhule-Louie, D. M., & McMahon, R. J. (2007). Problem behavior and romantic relationships: Assortative mating,: behavior contagion, and desistance. Clinical child and family psychology review, 10(1), 53-100. Retrieved February 14, 2008, from PsycINFO database.
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Created May 31, 2008

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