The Original Coming Out Stories
edited by Julia Penelope and Susan J. Wolfe
Coming Out is Terri de la Pena's story, copyright 1989
A Lesbian's Story About Finding Herself and Coming Out
Since childhood, I always felt as though
I were different from my sisters and other girls. At first, I blamed
my differences on my physical appearance: I was skinny, wore glasses,
had buckteeth and, later, acne. Aside from the physical problems,
I was intelligent, timid, and extremely sensitive. Even though I
was aware of being different, this did nothing to ease its emotional
pain. I can remember my mother's comments while bathing "my
scrawny little girl body." She would wash me and wonder aloud
whether God had intended me to be a male, but at the last minute
had changed his mind.
In school, no matter what games we played, I always wanted to portray
a male; probably because they were more exciting for me, since I
got to kiss the girls. As I got older I wanted to do home schooling
and my mother did not mind. She did not have to worry about me because
I was a "good girl;" translation: uninterested in boys.
After graduating from college I worked as a secretary. "Trapped
in my own personal closet," I developed an even worse case
of cystic acne, plus bronchial asthma and respiratory allergies.
The repression had a terrible affect on my body! I remained a "good
girl," contributed financially to the household, and lived
with my parents like some unmarried women do.
By my mid-twenties, I needed some freedom. With my divorced sister,
I moved into an apartment a few minutes away from my parents' home.
Not living at home, I finally had privacy. I had a room of my very
own.
I made many trips to feminist bookstores and the library. Immersing
myself in feminist literature, I found many articles and books on
lesbianism. "This is when I came out to myself." I was
31 years old and decided to cut my long hair short, throw away all
my "feminine" blouses, and wear blue jeans and t-shirts.
My feminist readings had such an impact on me that I decided to
try and love myself for who I was. In order for me to try and lead
some kind of happy life I had to admit to myself and everybody else
who I truly was.
Wanting to share my findings with someone, I spontaneously came
out to my younger sister. Surprisingly, she admitted having suspected
that I was gay. She promised to keep this a secret, and asked how
long I intended to keep this information confidential. One afternoon,
she asked why being out of the closet frightened me, especially
since it has made me so ill. I had even got sick with chronic early
morning diarrhea. I admitted to her that my looks would not attract
anyone and besides it had been years since I experienced a sexual
encounter. I was afraid of being an awkward or bad lover.
After the discussion I had with my sister, I decided to come out
to my older sister who I had been living with. I told her that I
was going away with a "friend" for the weekend. My sister
reacted to this announcement with emotion and anger, and I was glad
I told her before leaving on a trip. My sister's homophobia became
clear to me, as well as her lack of selflessness to recognize the
emotional toll her reaction had taken on me. She did not realize
how much denying my sexuality had hurt me. She admitted being frightened
of losing me; she loved me and could not imagine her life without
me. I realized the importance I held in her life, and felt touched
and frustrated by her behavior. But I felt the strain on our relationship.
That evening, my younger sister had phoned to let me know that mom
had found out and wanted to speak with me alone. Mom was curious
about lesbianism. She did not understand it, but said I would always
be her daughter, no matter what. She also admitted suspecting my
sexual orientation for years, but had been hesitant to mention it.
We had never discussed any sexual matters, and I felt uneasy revealing
my self and, especially, identifying my lover. Within a few months
the whole family knew.
A great deal has happened in the past two-and-a-half years. I remain
bewildered about my family's willing acceptance of their very own
lesbian. Everyday it seems as though I come out more for instance
I joined a lesbian writers group. Basically, I feel much more relieved
with every aspect of my life then I have ever felt before.