Dating and Relationships
What is Love?
Love
is a wonderful, positive feeling that two people have for one another.
There is no set definition for the feeling; it varies among
individuals. Love is
constructed out of emotional feelings and thoughts that we first develop
in childhood, in our relationships with parents, family, and friends.
The feelings of love may include happiness, exhilaration,
excitement, joy, anticipation, anxiousness, nervousness, comfort,
security, and completeness. Love
may also bring up feelings of anger, frustration, jealously, separation
anxiety, and fear when the course of the relationship is not ideal or
when fights begin. But in a
strong and loving relationship, the good will outweigh the bad most of
the time.
Feeling love for someone versus being in love with them:
We can feel love for many different people, whether it is for your mom, your dad, other family members, or your boyfriend/girlfriend. The distinguishing factor is whether you "love them" or are "in love with them". But how do you tell? There is no perfect and concise way to know; most of "being in love" involves emotional feelings from within. But there are some key things to look out for to see if you really are in love with someone, such as being physically intimate with the person, experiencing the feelings of elation and joy, and connecting with the person on a deeper level than anyone you have ever known. But being in love with someone is something that is unique to each individual, and often times the feelings cannot be put into words. Emotions are very tricky and unpredictable things; analyzing your emotions based on many different contexts will help you to distinguish your feelings to some degree.
Building the foundations of love:
In order to have a strong relationship, there needs to be a solid foundation on which to grow. There are some key things to remember:
- Choose someone you can treat and view as an equal and who treats you the same way (with an egalitarian relationship). Those who you consider friends—with whom you can talk and laugh easily—tend to make the best partners. People who are an even match have the best relationships because they can relax and be themselves around each other, rather than constantly putting on a show. The show can only last for so long; and after a few weeks or months, the flair will wear off and true colors will come out in full force. It is better to be honest from the beginning in order to avoid future conflicts. If one of the partners feels a lot of love and emotional ties and the other person just is not into it that much, the result can be disastrous. If the feelings are not mutually there, beware of the consequences of dragging out the relationship. The longer it goes on, the more hurt one or both persons will be in the end. If you know from the start that it isn't going to work, put an end to it before the ties are so strong that it is like torture to break it off.
- Make sure to set aside some time to be together; but also save time to be by yourself. The time when you are not around anyone is the time you reflect on your life, the people in it, the events that have happened, etc., and this alone time is crucial for good self-development and analysis. This helps you to keep thinking clearly instead of getting wrapped up in the moment, which may produce undesirable consequences.
- Don't let yourself be swallowed up into the identity of your "significant other". Remember who you are. This will help you to remain self-sufficient, enabling you to retain the ability of being able to care for yourself, which will be a tremendous benefit should the relationship come to an end and you must be on your own again.
What about sex?
Sex does not have to be a part of a relationship if you are not ready for it to be. The best way to deal with sexuality is to be open about it with your partner. Communicate your feelings and find out what the other person is thinking. If you want physical intimacy to be a part of your relationship, ideally you should be able to talk to them about it without feeling embarrassed (you are sharing more with them when you are naked with each other, as opposed to simply talking about it). Although it is easier said than done, a strong relationship is built on good communication: Being able to talk about sex, condoms, and other forms of birth control with your partner will lead to a more well-developed relationship.
Am I ready?
Whether or not you are ready for sex depends entirely on your personal views and feelings. There are some key questions to ask yourself, such as:
- Do I love the person?
- What would I do if sex led to an unintended pregnancy?
- Am I ready for the relationship to change drastically?
- What happens after we start having sex?
- Am I prepared for the consequences?
- Is my partner willing to talk about STDs and take steps to minimize the risks of contracting them?
- What does sex really mean to me?
It is important to understand and remember that it is perfectly cool for you to say "No" if you are not ready. If it is not the right time in your life to have sex, speak up and don't let your feelings get trampled out by the feelings of your partner. A truly caring boyfriend/girlfriend will understand your reasoning and respect your decision. Speak from your heart, not from what others are telling you.
Some of the wrong reasons to have sex are:
- All of my friends are doing it.
- I want to feel popular or to be part of the group.
- I want to hold on to someone.
- I want to experience the magic and fireworks commonly promised when sex is depicted through the media (i.e. television, movies, etc.).
- You want to try it because you are drunk or high.
- I want to stop feeling depressed or lonely.
The key is to be true to yourself. If you feel that you are in love with your boyfriend/girlfriend and are ready to propel your relationship to the next level by having sex, then the choice is yours. But if you feel unsure of your emotions or are just not ready at this point in your life to engage in something so intense, don't! The right time will come, and it is always okay to say "No"! If you have not had a discussion about the things you both would do if sex led to an unintended pregnancy or an STD, you may need to spend more time before saying "yes" to the decision.