HOW TO HAVE A FAIR FIGHT
So
what happens when you have something negative to say?
Let's face it, being in a relationship is a lot of work.
In order to make it rewarding and satisfying, you have to speak
up when something is bothering you.
Things aren't always perfect and happy; there will be fighting
and arguing at times. But
there is a right way to fight, and it involves fighting fairly.
First of all, if something is bothering you, don't just blurt
out a criticism; think about the various ways you could tell your
partner. The way you word a
complaint or concern can make a big difference.
It is helpful to avoid 'you' statements as much as possible.
Try instead to focus on using 'I' statements that reflect the
way you feel. Using
'you' statements tends to make the other person feel as if all the
blame is on them. Here is
an example to demonstrate the difference:
·
You
statement: "
You go too fast and never want to have foreplay when we have sex."
·
I
statement: " I feel like
we might enjoy taking our time more and incorporating more foreplay into
our sex life. What do you
think?"
In
the first sentence, the word 'you' focuses the blame on the other
person, but it also involves "mind reading".
Mind reading is what you do when you assume you know how someone
else feels or thinks. Making
assumptions can make problems worse by upsetting your partner and
causing more fighting. The
second sentence focuses on the way you feel by using 'I' language
and incorporates an open-ended question, which are questions that
can't be answered with a simple yes or no.
These types of questions require more thought and talking to
answer. This is a useful
way of prompting your partner to give you feedback.
Another
effective technique for communication is documenting.
Documenting is when you give concrete examples of what you are
talking about. Using the previous example, the speaker might say, "I
felt that last night when we had sex we went rather fast and didn't
incorporate much foreplay. I
feel like we might enjoy moving more slowly and using more foreplay.
What do you think?". Documenting
adds a concrete example to help demonstrate what the speaker is trying
to say.
The
most important goal for good communication is to have your intent match
your impact.
Intent is what you actually mean, the point you want to
get across when you talk. Impact
is what the person you're talking to thinks you mean.
Sometimes you know exactly what you want to say, but it doesn't
come out right. Other
people may not understand what you are trying to say.
The best way to get your message across is to say it honestly and
clearly, and to think about where, when, and how best to say it.
The goal of communicating about problems is to make a situation
better, not to make things worse.
GUIDELINES
FOR FIGHTING FAIRLY
These are several ways to solve problems rather than escalating them, which only makes things worse:
- Pick
the right time and place. You
don't want to bring up problems when you don't have time to talk
about them (like right
before you or your partner have to go to school or work).
Pick an occasion when you both have adequate time to discuss
the issues at hand.
- State
your feelings honestly without being sarcastic or insulting to the
other person. You need
to edit your thoughts and remove anything that might hurt the other
person before you speak.
- Stick
to the issues. Don't
bring up things that happened long ago or things that happened with
prior partners. Only
discuss what the current problem is.
- Don't
try to figure out who is at fault.
It is more important to talk about what you both need to do
to solve the problem than who's to blame.
- Stick
to 'I' statements and try to stay away from 'you'
statements.
- Avoid
using words like 'always' and 'never'.
This will help you stay away from criticizing your
partner's entire personality.
- Don't
mind-read. If you
don't know how your partner feels or what they think, then ASK.
- Incorporate
positive statements and compliments along with your complaints.
This will soften the blow of any complaints and make your partner
less defensive.
Most
importantly, remember that all couples have their share of problems.
You are not always going to see eye to eye on things, but if you
know how to communicate effectively you should be able to get through
arguments just fine. A
couple that can talk openly about their problems, both sexual and
nonsexual, will have a more satisfying relationship.