How to Tell Your Partner if You Have an STD
There are two main situations in which one person might have to tell a partner that the first person has a sexually transmitted disease. The first person has an incurable STD (such as HIV, herpes, or HPV) and needs to tell a new partner before engaging in any sexual behavior. One of the two people finds out that he or she has an STD (curable or incurable) during an existing relationship. In both of these situations, it can be frightening to tell a partner for the fear of rejection. However, finding the best way to communicate this information to a partner may help the partner be more understanding, no matter how he or she finally reacts to it.
Telling a new partner about an incurable STD:
Living with a sexually transmitted disease is not easy. Since there is a stigma in our society (of being dirty or sexually promiscuous) that is associated with having an STD, many individuals who have an STD fear rejection by new partners. Yet it is still very important that you share this information with a new partner, and in some states it is a crime to engage in sexual activity without informing your partner of an STD. Finding a good location where you and your potential partner can talk is important in starting the conversation. Be honest in telling him or her about your STD and in how you believe to have contracted it. Also sharing information about the specific STD that you have may help him or her feel more informed and comfortable. Explain how it is transmitted, and what the symptoms are like for you individually. Try to be understanding of your partner's initial reaction: It could be shock, confusion and not knowing how to react. If your partner needs time to think about the situation, be willing to give the time, do not expect anyone to be immediately accepting of this information. Also do not be quick to jump to the conclusion that they are planning to reject you just because they do not accept you with your STD right away (even though this of course is a possibility). Forming a strong friendship with your partner may help him or her see past your STD and decide to be with you. If your partner decides to accept the STD and if you choose to engage in sexual activities you both should try to find out information about ways to have safe sex so your partner does not contract the disease.
Finding out you have an STD in an existing relationship and telling your partner:
Finding out you have an STD can be very frightening and confusing when you are currently in what you thought was a monogamous relationship. Some people allow their fear to turn into anger and accuse their partner of cheating and giving them an STD. Blaming your partner does not help you gain anything, instead you should focus on you and your partner getting proper medical care. Also keep in mind that some STDs may lack symptoms (such as HIV and chlamydia), so you or your partner may have contracted it before entering your current relationship. In telling your partner about the STD be honest and straight forward about how you discovered you had the STD and the need for your partner to obtain a medical evaluation. Remembering to control for nonverbal cues, try to be sensitive to how they might react. Keep in mind some of your initial thoughts and reactions when you discovered you had the STD. Your partner may react with anger or resentment. Try not to become defensive and listen to your partner's feeling: These are the best ways to deal with this situation. Before resuming any sexual activity make sure that you are both properly treated for the STD (if it is curable) and are clear of the infection. By communicating to your partner honestly and clearly you may be able to deal with and overcome, a problematic situation.
Real life situation:
Mary had been dating John for about a month and could tell that they both cared for each other a lot. For a while she had been shying away from any type of sexual encounter because she knew she would have to tell him that she had genital warts and carried the human papillomavirus (HPV), which could infect him if they did any sort of risky sexual behavior. Mary feared that the great friendship that they had formed and the romantic feelings that they shared would all end with rejection because she had an STD. John and Mary would talk about sex in general, their sexual histories, and even STDs, yet Mary still was too scared to tell John about her own STD. After time John started to sense from Mary's nonverbal cues that there was something that Mary was hiding from him. Mary knew that she could no longer hide her secret from John and finally at her home sat down with John and told him about her situation. John was initially a little shocked, but knew that whatever Mary had been hiding from him was important, so he had expected something big and was able to show Mary that he understood her situation. For the rest of the conversation he let Mary speak about how she contracted HPV and provided support by attentively listening to what she had to say and rubbing her arm to show compassion. John and Mary were able to move past Mary's STD and continue their relationship while being careful to use protection when engaging in any sort of sexual behavior.
Assessing John and Mary's situation:
Mary and John were lucky. Things do no always go right when discussing STDs. John might have gotten very upset when feeling that Mary was hiding something from him. He might have reacted negatively when she explained her STD. Hopefully when talking about an STD with a partner, you should begin with an open and honest discussion of the topic since openness and honesty are often highly respected by others, John did attentively listen to Mary and use correct nonverbal cues to show that he cared and understood what Mary was telling him.