Sharing Sexual Histories With a New Partner
Sharing your sexual history with a new partner is very important before you engage in any sexual behavior. You may wonder whether your new partner really needs to know the whole truth about your past, especially how many partners you have had, but the truth is that partners need to share their sexual histories honestly so that both can assess the risk factors for sexually transmitted diseases. The sexual risks you took in the past affect your new partner's life now. This means that before participating in sexual behaviors with a new partner you should sit down and discuss each of your sexual histories openly and honestly. Many sexual behaviors other than penile-vaginal sex put you and your partner at risk for STDs, including oral sex, among the others. This means that it is important to talk to your partner about more than just the partners they have had penile-vaginal sex with. There are a few tips to keep in mind when talking to your partner about this sensitive subject.
Location:
It is a good idea to try to choose a neutral, yet private location where you and your partner can openly speak about each of your histories. Having this conversation in your or your partner's home gives one of you the advantage in feeling more comfortable, so try to choose common ground. You also want to choose a location where there will be no interruptions, this includes making sure any cell phones and pagers that are turned off. Make sure that before you sit down and have this conversation you allow plenty of time to talk. Make sure that you and your partner have no prior engagements to ensure the proper amount of time needed to have the conversation.
Bringing up the topic of discussion:
Sometimes it may be hard to start this conversation by just jumping into the topic at hand. It may be easier to start off with a more general discussion of sex. You could start to talk about how the topic of sex was handled by your parents or maybe by sharing each of your first sexual experiences— even first kissing experiences. Topics like these slowly lead you into more intimate topics because you are both already starting to self-disclose personal information about your pasts. Eventually you want to lead your conversation to deal with both of your past sexual experiences. You may want to start by openly and honestly sharing your sexual past. After sharing your sexual history you may want to explain why you think it is important to share each of your past experiences. For instance, you might mention that you want both of you to be safe and not to have to worry about STDs. This way your partner feels that you care about his or her safety too. By showing your partner that you are comfortable with discussing your past, your partner may in turn feel more comfortable sharing.
Listening to your partner's sexual history:
It is important to use effective listening skills when your partner shares with you. Try not to interrupt your partner when he or she is talking, except when you want to clarify information just told to you. This will allow your partner to speak freely and comfortably.
Controlling nonverbal cues:
One other general tip is to try to control your expression of nonverbal cues, such as posture, facial cues, and sounds. According to Albert Mehrabian, who has conducted many studies on communication, words only count for 7% of what we communicate. The next 38% is paralanguage (things like tone, pitch, and tempo of your voice) and 55% is body language (including facial expressions and body posture). When you are expressing to your partner why it is important to share each of your sexual histories, you want to make sure that your body language and tone of voice correspond to what you are saying. Closing off your body and acting shy may demonstrate to your partner that you are insecure about talking about the subject or that you are not serious. When your partner shares his or her sexual past, it is important that you do not respond with facial expressions of disgust or shock. If your facial expressions show that you are comfortable and understanding of your partner's sexual past, he or she will be more likely to be open and honest with you.