Supporting a Friend or Family Member Who has Decided to Come Out
- Intro
- The First Stage of Coming Out
- On Their Own Terms
- Dealing With Your Feelings
- Terms to Avoid
- Supporting Them Before and After
- Talking to Others in Your Life About the Disclosure
- Dealing With Discrimination
Intro
What should you do if a friend or family member tells you that he or she is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender? For starters, try to learn the relevant vocabulary so that you can start to understand what the person is trying to share with you. Feel honored that this person trusts you enough to tell you about his or her personal life. The following are key words to increase understanding.
- Coming out: The process of acknowledging to oneself, and then to others, that one is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender.
- Sexual orientation: A person's erotic and emotional orientation toward members of his or her own gender or to members of the other gender.
- Homosexual: A person whose sexual orientation is toward members of the same gender.
- Heterosexual: A person whose sexual orientation is toward members of the other gender.
- Bisexual: A person whose sexual orientation is toward both men and women.
- Lesbian: A woman whose sexual orientation is toward other women.
- Gay: Homosexual; especially male homosexuals.
- Straight: Heterosexual; that is, a person whose sexual orientation is toward members of the opposite gender.
- Transgender: Anyone whose gender identity (self-identification as male or female) does not match his or her assigned gender, as determined by physical anatomy and genetics.
- GLBT identity: having a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender identity.
The First Stage of Coming Out
When a loved one chooses to come out to you, the person is saying, "I trust you. I want our relationship to be based on openness and honesty." When people acknowledge to you that they have a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender identity, a variety of feelings may cross through your head, and you may not know exactly what to say. You can take an important step by asking people questions that will help you better understand them and their GLBT identity. The most important thing to do is be supportive. Remember, people who are coming out are not sure how others will react, and they may feel afraid that they will be rejected by those who care about them. Your support is essential.
On Their Own Terms
If you suspect that a friend or loved one may have a GLBT identity—do not pressure the person to come out to you or to others. Therefore, do not tell other people that you suspect someone has a GLBT identity if that someone has not chosen to share this information. It can be hurtful. If a loved one has not come out to you, he or she is probably just not ready. Most people feel a need to accept themselves before telling others. Everyone comes out on their own terms, and it can take different amounts of time for each individual.
Dealing With Your Feelings
When people close to you reveal that they have a GLBT identity you may feel a variety of emotions: honored that they have chosen you to come out to, proud of their honesty, accepting, curious about their lifestyle, uncomfortable or afraid, disapproving of their identity, or even worrisome for how others will treat them. It is important to acknowledge any of the emotions you are feeling and to have an open and honest conversation with the person who chose to come out to you. Ask respectful questions that will help you understand. You might ask, for example: 1) When did you first know? 2) What was it like growing up? 3) What do you hope to ultimately achieve in your relationships? Your loved one has chosen to be honest with you in coming out, and your being honest about your reaction shows a great deal of respect.
Terms to Avoid
Within the GLBT community, people may refer to each other with seemingly derogatory terms, such as "queer," which are often used in a joking or affectionate way between friends or acquaintances. Although you may notice your loved one or his or her friends using these terms with each other, this does not mean it is OK for you or other straight people to use such terms. Many people who have a GLBT identity and use these terms find it offensive when a straight friend or family member uses the same terms.
Supporting Them Before and After
Let them know that you fully support their decision to come out. You can give support to the GLBT community by refusing to use derogatory terms, challenging others who make demeaning comments or jokes, and fighting for equal rights for everyone. Other steps you can take to show your support include, but are not limited to, creating social situations in which both your straight and GLBT friends can interact with your family, talking openly to your GLBT loved ones about their life, talking openly with your straight friends about your GLBT friends, and including your loved ones significant other in events and activities.
Talking to Others in Your Life About the Disclosure
If you are one of the first people that GLBT individuals have come out to, it is important to respect their privacy and let them come out to others when they feel ready. Even if you are not one of the first people they have come out to, please respect their wishes if they ask you not to discuss it with anyone else. Remember revealing people's sexual identities to others without their permission can be painful for them.
However in some cases, once people have revealed their sexual orientation to you they may give you permission to discuss it with others. It is your decision as to whom you tell, if you've been given permission by the person who has come out. When you choose to tell someone, be open and honest with them and expect that they may have the same range of emotions that you first had. Encourage them to be honest about how they are feeling.
Dealing With Discrimination
Your loved one is probably keenly aware that discrimination and prejudice exist in our society against those with a GLBT identity. It takes courage for them to come out and face such discrimination. Be aware of what they are confronting and give your support. Fighting to change existing societal prejudices is an important step to making our society a more accepting one for every individual.
Added 9/21/07