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Talking To Your Child About Sex

How Kids Learn About Sex
What's A Parent To Do?
Helpful Tips On How to Communicate With Your Child





How Do Children And Teens Learn About Sex?

The Media

Children and teens nowadays are surrounded by sexual images and sexual content in magazines, TV, radio, and movies. Media messages from TV are sometimes a child's first introduction to sex, as Judith Levine points out in her book Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex. Instead of being taught the values and responsibility about sex, many children receive mixed messages from highly sexualized and romanticized media characters.

Peers

Children and teens often talk with friends about sex to gain emotional support, but peers often give incorrect information regarding sexuality. Peer groups still spread false myths, such as "If you jump up and down after sex you won�t get pregnant." Sexual conversations among adolescents and teens are more likely to center on sexual conquests and how-to tips than an accurate discussion about the risks of having multiple sexual partners and the ways to avoid pregnancy.

School Educators

Not all schools teach sexuality in the classroom, and if they do they may not provide a comprehensive sexuality course. Also, schools tend to present informational and clinical information when it comes to sex, not talking much about the emotional issues. Lynda Measor, Coralie Tiffin, and Katrina Miller�s book Young People's Views on Sex Education notes how some adolescents are unsatisfied with the way school officials teach sex because they do not talk realistically about it, along with the experiences and feelings involved with sex (p. 122). Few schools provide much guidance about relationship issues and communicating sexual wants.

What Can A Parent Do?

You as the primary caregiver have much influence over your child, so talk to him/her about sex. Learning sexuality at home is the best way for teens and kids to receive guidance, emotional support and values clarification. You can help them learn facts and social responsibility. According to Human Sexuality: Meeting Your Basic Needs (by Tina S. Miracle, Andrew W. Miracle, and Roy F. Baumeister), children of parents who talked to them about sexuality were most likely to postpone sexual activity and not engage in risky behavior (p. 560). It is OK if you feel uneasy about the subject, your child probably does too; but the important issue is to teach your child to make wise decisions about his or her own sexuality and have healthy, loving and responsible relationships. As Judith Levine writes, "Rather, to give children a fighting chance in navigating the sexual world, adults need to saturate it with accurate, realistic information and abundant, varied images and narratives of love and sex" (p. 19). Listed below are helpful tips for talking to your child about sex.

Helpful Tips In Talking To Your Child About Sex

Overcome your own embarrassment.

You might feel uncomfortable at first using technical terms such as "vagina" and "penis," but that is OK! Say these terms to yourself in private several times until you can say them and discuss them in a relaxed manner.

Be approachable.

Do not turn your child away for asking questions about sex. Instead, compliment him/her for turning to you when inquiring about sex (advocatesforyouth, 2003). You can say, "I'm so happy that you asked me that. I'll always be here to answer such questions."

Pick a time and place for "teachable moments."

The time to start teaching your child about sexuality is when he/she is young, continuing to do so as he/she grows up. To do this you want to create teachable moments (Miracle, et al. 561), situations in which something about sex can be pointed out to a child. A teachable moment can take place when you see a pregnant woman who would not mind the touch of your child. You can use cases in which you, your spouse, or your child is bathing. This will make talking about sex easier as the child grows and matures. If the child is already older, do not wait for them to ask you questions. Use lyrics from songs or scenes from TV shows or movies to initiate a conversation with your teen (p. 561).

Talk more than once.

Your child will be dealing with sex his/her entire life, and it is not possible to discuss everything about it in one huge discussion (talkingwithkids, 2003), not to mention that your child might get antsy or bored. Talk to your child about sex whenever you both hear about sexual incidents on the news, around town, or anywhere. Thoughful parents even strike up random conversations related to sex to check-in with their child or teen.

Give accurate information.

Know your facts! Accurate information about sex can be found everywhere from the Internet to textbooks and children's books in libraries and bookstores. If your child asks a question and you do not know the answer, say you will get back to him/her but do not forget to do so. To help answer some of your child's questions, try giving an educational book to him/her. One book appropriate for ages 8-11 is Asking about Sex and Growing Up: A Question and Answer Book for Boys and Girls by Joanna Cole. Another set of books appropriate for preteens are Lynda and Area Maderas The What�s Happening to My Body? book, which comes in separate versions for boys and girls. In addition, when answering questions, give the information one level higher than you think your child will comprehend (talkingwithkids, 2003).

Anticipate the next stage of development.

Telling your daughter about menstruation or your son about nocturnal emission after he/she has been experiencing it for a few months is not helpful. Talk to your child about the stages of puberty and other sexual experiences before he/she even reaches that stage (talkingwithkids, 2003). Your child will feel less anxious about what is happening to his/her body.

Do not lecture.

Your child/teen does not want to be told what to do, so do not lecture. Present information and show how one discussed various options. Your child/teen will make his/her own decisions regarding sex whether you like it or not (advocatesforyouth, 2003). Discussions and conversations benefit your child more than lectures, and he/she will be more apt to listen to you and your words.

Teach the joys of sex as well as the dangers.

Sex is not a bad part of life nor should it be treated that way. Talking about intimacy and relationships with your child will help him/her grow up to have these in their life (Miracle et al, 561).

The more you discover about how kids learn about sex and how to influence that, the better you can communicate with your child or teen about sexuality. Reach out to them early, before the rest of the world does. Good luck!

References

Created March 21, 2006, last updated May 24, 2009